I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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