your parents love me but you hate me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize