The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
