Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
