listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
