I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
