Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
