I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
