if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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