I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
