Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
