I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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