Cold hands, warm shart.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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