Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
