but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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