It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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