I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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