4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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