You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
