I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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