I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
