First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
