i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
