she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
