i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
