Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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