Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
