i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
