Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
