Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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