my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
