it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
