Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
