mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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