You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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