im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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