pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Drake has all the answers
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize