I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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