does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
