and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
