Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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