Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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