Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
