why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
a search helicopter?!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
