party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
