Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
