He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
