On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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