history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
