all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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