I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
