Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
