I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
