You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
