Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Randomize
