Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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