peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
