New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
