sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
