he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
