I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize